Saturday Morning Funnies (Volume 6)

On my list of things to do today is clean the basement. While I'm down there, I plan to keep my eye out for more of my really bad high school writing. Alas, all I have to torture you with today is post-college drivel. Luckily, even though it's older stuff, its plenty mockworthy.

Please enjoy "Snare" (Warning: LONG)

When my vision cleared, the first thing I realized was that I was nude. At first it didn't concern me that I was lying alone, naked, and spread-eagle on my back in the middle of a mossy glen. In fact, it was rather peaceful in an odd way. My head felt fuzzy, but as I took in my surrounding I began to feel clearer. Somewhere in the distance, I heard the sound of a swiftly flowing brook. A cool summer's breeze blew up the length of my body, bringing with it the heavy smell of the forest. O ut of mortal habit, I took a deep breath. It was a beautiful night, albeit it a little chilly. Staring up through a circle of oak trees I could see a full moon. I attempted to move my arms to cross them in front of my chest for warmth, but suddenly realized I couldn't. Some invisible force held me pinioned to the ground. Cranning my neck around, I strained to see what held me in place. There was nothing visable.

Dazed, I shook my head to clear it. My head felt thick, like I was looking at everything through a fog. Something was wrong and finally a dull sense of panic rumbled at the edges of my conciousness. Groaning, I tested my bonds again, but with no avail.

I had to try to piece togehter what had happened. The last thing I remembered was settling in for the night in my study a heavy tome on alchemy freshly purchased from the used bookstore in my lap. I'd just gotten past the author's notes, when.... when what? When everything went blank? What a Hollywood cliche, I chided myself, but that was the best way to describe it. Suddenly, I was here and without my clothes.

From the edge of the ring of trees, I heard a frightened whisper. "Jesus Christ, Mirim, you caught one."

"Don't invoke His name here, Liam. This is Bridgit's circle."

"I didn't think you could do it." He continued incrediously, as if she hadn't spoken. "It's the devil's own magic."

"Not the devil's, Liam, the Goddess's."

I could hear a soft slap, followed by Liam's, "Ow!" Then a quieter, "Lay off me, would you?"

I lifted my head to peer towards the voices of my captors. I could see them near the edge of the tree line. The boy, Liam presumably, was crouched behind the massive trunk of a tree. He was peering at me with a horrified expression on his freckled face. A mop of red curls fell over one eye. The rest of him was hidden in the mottled shadows of the forest.

The woman, on the other hand, was in plain view. She sat comfortably with her back against a large oak. Long hair hung in auburn ringlets around her face. She wore a peasant shirt embroidered around the edges with some Eastern European design. And, I noticed with surprise, blue jeans. After a second appraisal, I realized she was hardly more than a child, though even from here I could smell tang of the menstrual blood that flowed between her thighs. She was twirling a crystal that hung about her neck. The white light that emanated from the crystal nearly blinded me.

I lay my head back, trying to assess the situation. She was a witch, that much was obvious, but what she thought she'd caught was another question.

"Mirim," I called out for her, "Mirim, I'm waiting."

"The devil knows your name," Liam told her in hushed tones. "Don't go near him, girl. He'll surely kill you."

"I'll do as I please," she retorted. I could hear rustling; she was moving forward. "Now remember what I told you about the circle, Liam. Don't you dare cross over the line, or I'll kill you. I mean it."

"Don't go near him," Liam begged, "please. You've won the bet already, Mir. I'll give it to you, already, okay? Just send him away and we can go home."

"No," she countered, "we caught him. We could use him. Think of the things he could do for us."

"Ma's going to be worrying after us." His tone was desperate, "She and da'll be home from the pub by now. She's bound to be missing her pendant. Come on, Miriam. Leave it be, let's go home."

"You're a weak-hearted fool, Liam MacLennan." She laughed cruelly. "You'll never make a warlock."

"I'd rather be a living fool than a dead warlock," I heard him mutter under his breath. I wondered what she would say to that, but I heard no reply.

Suddenly, she stood above me her fists upon narrow hips. Her eyes looked up and down my naked form. Her eyes lingered at a certain spot, and she blushed slightly.

I laughed. She'd tried to look so fierce, but she was still a young woman. "You were expecting something different?" I teased.

Her blush deepened, but she answered me quite seriously, "I don't know what I was expecting. You look so..." she bit her upper lip, looking for the right word, "human. You haven't a tail or cloven hooves."

"Demons take all shapes," I replied evenly, though a part of me balked at the idea that a trap meant for a devil had caught me. I'd never been much of a religious man in my life, and so had never considered that my soul might be damned, or that by being turned a vampire I'd be in liege with Satan. It seemed ludicrous. But, as proof to the contrary, here I was.

"Handsome shapes, as well, it seems." She smiled slightly, reddened again, and then looked towards where Liam waited.

"Do you plan to ravish me then, Mirim?" I asked, amused. I hoped to tempt her closer. I might be pinned like a butterfly under glass, but I was not nearly as helpless. "Or will you just tease me and leave me wanting you?"

"I see you ARE a silver-tongued devil, though." She smiled, her large dark eyes crinkling in amusement. "I want you to do something for me, demon."

"Your wish is my command," I replied. "But, you'll have to free me, there's little I can do for you like this."

"Ah, but there is," she said. "And, don't be thinking you can fool me into freeing you. I know better than that." She wagged a finger at me, in warning. I scowled back. I didn't relish the idea of lying here forever. "What I want from you are some answers," she continued. "There are secrets I want revealed." She sat down cross-legged on the grass.

Her nearness brought the smell of menstral blood to the air, and I found myself salivating. Licking my lips, I let out my breath in an approximation of a heavy sigh. I didn't have any answers. And, frankly, I was fast running out of ideas.

"What do you want to know?" I asked.

"Where you come from, what is it like?" She asked in a hushed tone, her eyes wide.

"New York?" I asked, though I knew it wasn't what she meant. "Not everyone likes it, but I live comfortably enough. There are lots of people there, things to do, places to go."

Her eyebrows drewn together in a frown, "Stop fooling around. It's hell I'm wanting to know about, and you know it."

"Hell?" I rolled my eyes, "I don't know anything about hell. I never plan on ever going there myself, if there even is such a place."

She looked disappointed.