Saturday, January 17, 2009

Saturday Morning Funnies...

I haven't done this in a long time, but I thought I'd go back to posting bits of the truly awful (hopefully so awful it's funny) stuff I wrote before I was published. Here's an excerpt from a beaut I called (cleverly) "Niles to Go." Try not to laugh yourselves sick....

Donna Clark knew she was dead. She knew the instant the wheels slid on the slick pavement and the car swerved into the oncoming traffic. The thundering crash was deafening, but Donna felt little pain. It all happened so quickly. There was sudden impact of the steering wheel, then everything was blackness.

When her vision cleared, she found herself standing at the entrance of a tunnel. The ceiling was low and the walls felt damp. It was dark and there was a close, musty smell in the air. Donna crinkled her nose at the odor. This wasn't what she had expected. But ahead, she could see a light. She smiled. Just as she had read in that book Life After Death, she thought, hiking up her torn skirt, there it wasthe light at the end.

With one hand on the cool stone wall, Donna made her way up the sloping tunnel. Without hesitation, she stepped into the light. She found herself standing under a hot sun. Sand stung her face, as a strong wind attempted to untangle the tight braid that held her hair away from her round face. Heat made sweat prickle under her armpits. Looking out across the open desert, she saw a figure approaching.

Putting up a hand to shield her eyes from the sun, she watched him glide easily across the sand. His skin was a black as night. That surprised her. All the pictures Donna had ever seen of angels showed them as white and very, very blond. Shaking her head, she tried to banish the racist thought that crept into her mind. It wouldn't do her any good to be thinking like that here of all places, she reminded herself.

Still, he wasn't dressed like an angel, either. The only clothing he wore, it seemed to Donna, was a kind of ornately wrapped towel around his waist. Around his neck was a heavy golden necklace that reminded Donna of something she had seen before but couldn't place.

As he drew nearer, she began to realize there was something very strange about his head. It was thin and too long. Pausing, he turned his head to the side, as if sniffing the wind. Donna gasped at the sight. He had the head of a thin dog. The man that approached wasn't human at all, but rather something part animal.

Donna started to panic. Hell, she thought, I must be in hell. She had to get away. Maybe she could still go back and live a better life. Scrambling back towards the tunnel, Donna jumped when felt a strong hand grip her shoulder.

Turning around, Donna screamed, "No, no, let me go back. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to think anything bad about the color of your skin. Please give me another chance!!"

"I am Anubis," the dog headed man said, cocking his head at her.


Shawn E said...

ooo, i can play this game...

The air was cold in Coltrane’s lungs as he breathed slowly in and out, attempting to force his ragged breath and the pounding of his beating heart to remain calm. The dense and ancient Sunken Forest lay all about them, resounding with an unnatural silence that seemed to echo the near palpable tension radiating of both him and those he had led to this foreboding place. It was as if the malevolent woods sensed their presence and watched, waiting impatiently for them to leave. As if in response, the horse next to him shook its head, betraying its impatience to be away from this place. Coltrane turned his head only slightly in the horse’s direction and a gauntleted hand reached out to affectionately stroke the beast’s matted hair. The beast may have been nervous, but it, as the others, were well trained, and except for this sole exception, the company of cavalry was silent and naught but the sound of the wind whistling faintly through the evergreen boughs high above found it’s way to prince’s ears.

tate hallaway said...

That's awesome, Shawn!